“The REAL way to hold a burger, proven by DFB-Science”

If you’re thinking, ‘Why am I reading this… I read Dom’s Favorite Burgers so I obviously know how to eat a burger’, you may not be wrong; However, earlier this month, the Japanese television show Honma Dekka!?, recently released an apparent “4-month study on the scientific way to eat a burger”.

A 3-person, “expert” team, consisting of an engineer, a fluid-mechanical engineer, and a dentist, used an undisclosed type of 3-D scanner to upload the following gif (courtesy of Kotaku News):

The Perfect Way to Hold a Hamburger, Proven by Science

The team proceeded to then break the burger down, particle by particle, to determine where the difficulty with holding a burger stemmed from. After realizing it was an issue of ingredients falling out of the back-side (because we needed a 4-month study to determine such a thing…), they decided to tackle the issue, once and for all.

The result derived by this trifecta of experts, was this (courtesy of Kotaku News):

The Perfect Way to Hold a Hamburger, Proven by Science

(Left: The top of the burger; Right: The bottom of the burger)

As you can see in the image above, the team decided it was scientifically more efficient to eat a burger, with the thumbs, and pinkies, on the bottom of the burger; While the index, middle, and ring fingers are positioned on the top.  This way, pressure, from the second set of fingers provides the extra support needed to keep everything inside of the burger.

While I agree, that when dealing with a large burger, this Japanese-method would most definitely come in hand, I’m going to have to dissent from the notion that “it is the ideal, and best, way to eat a burger — proven by science”.

Why, you ask?

Here’s why:

Commandment #2: 

Thou shalt always have a steak knife — or better, to cut thy burger.

(Found on the * The Burger Laws * page)

If you have been reading my blog once every 6 months, or fairly consistently, you will have noticed in a number  of articles that I refer to the “knife-test“. I’ve even written an article about it here: “Um, excuse me? This is the knife you gave me to cut this godly burger…

By taking your burger, and cutting it in half, you significantly reduce the surface area which you have to grasp. Therefore, when you pick up the half, and attempt to hold it, you will notice that all of your fingers, from both hands, have now been pushed closer together. The angle of your thumbs on the bottom, has also been shifted, allowing the length of your thumb to cover more distance on the bottom of the burger. This increases the pressure on the burger, while decreasing the flexibility needed to maintain it’s form to, and from, your mouth.

With the use of a knife, of similar quality to the one below (a proper knife for a burger):

proper burger knife

One will be able to accomplish this:

Mushroom Burger at Lucille's Smokehouse Barb-E-Que, Lake Forest

Now don’t these halves look easier to hold, without a 4-month inquiry?

Consequently, it is my opinion, that the actual best way to eat a burger, is by cutting it in half! I think I’ve made my point, and if you think I haven’t, or would like to collude, please comment in the “comment-section” below with your observation.

Before I go, I will leave you with a couple videos of how 2 different American’s eat their burgers. I think I like the second one better…:

…especially the burger-jingle-twang there at the end.

9 Comments

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  5. Please let me know where to donate feminine hygiene products for you. No man cuts his burger in half, ma’am. If that is your #2 commandment, I cringe at what else you could possibly think ranks anywhere near a top 10 list. Vag. Puss. C u n t… You think I may just be trolling, no. Seriously. To even put this in print in any way what so ever, you are a woman. And by that I mean a sissy, worthless in every way to mankind, bitch. Actually.. calling you a woman is an insult to real women…. Wag (walking vag..)…

  6. Ah, awaiting moderation… at least we know this will never see the light of day to expose you for the fraud you are… Horrible. Way to monitor the 1st amendment.

  7. Since no one else will ever see this…. In case it wasn’t clear. You are a walking vagina. You have no soul as a man. You really should never, ever speak in the presence of humans on any topic in any way for the rest of your life. Just knowing this one piece of knowledge (what you wrote) is enough for all of humanity to disregard you for the rest of your existence. I hope above all hope that you have not (or ever will) procreate. I mean this with every fiber of my being. I hope whatever your mom gave you, dies with you. Soon.

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