“Battle of the Burger”

url-3(Above: “Burger” by James W. Johnson)

So I recently read an article from VICE.com by Eleanor Morgan. The title of said article is, “We Need to Quit our Obsession with Meat”.

Obviously, like any normal carnivorous human being, I immediately thought, ‘Why?’, and jumped right in.

The author starts the article on it’s highest note, by telling you how “fucking fantastic” the Highland Beef Night (food event in London) was. She then drastically changes speeds, and attempts to explain that meat-culture is bad, and should not be practiced.

The problem with this article is, well, mostly everything… The thesis is incoherent, the article severely lacks structure, and it very basically, is false.

In the beginning, the author says, “There is something a bit culty about a group of humans gathering together to eat two specific cows”. As if gathering and ingesting specific cuisine, is strange? Maybe for a non-foodie, but to me, that’s like saying, ‘There’s something a bit culty, about people having sex, with specific people’. It’s just one of Hegel’s, “Basic human needs”.

She goes on to state how obsessed people are with meat, and how “burgers are the new tits”. I have to say, I do not agree. While bacon might be the “tits”, or egg might be the “tits”, I think of burgers as the whole package. I don’t walk right up to a burger and say, ‘Nice tits’.

She then circles back with her cult comment by expressing sickness: “If I see any more evangelizing of what is essentially bread and ground-up cow, I might collapse”.

Yes. That’s due to a lack of protein; And probably exercise too.

Here is a letter to Eleanor, about how I feel:

Dear Elle,

I apologize if you don’t like eating meat as much as others. I’m sorry if you don’t enjoy food to the same degree as others. I feel as though you have the misconception that eating burgers makes you fat. I’m sorry. I’m sorry you are misinformed, but don’t; please don’t try and take away joy from others. Throughout your article, you demean ‘thy burger’, by stating things such as: “But really, how good can a burger be?” and “A burger and fries is a 5-year-old’s dream meal”. To that first question, ‘Are you joking?’. And to the second: ‘Yeah so? You wanna kill dreams as well?’.

For me, the most important part about burgers, or just food in general, is the artsy side of it. It’s the ingredients, it’s the presentation, it’s the creativity, it’s the passion, and most importantly, it’s the people you share those things with. If that’s not art at it’s most basic level, I seemingly don’t know what is.

Sincerely Burger-Hero of the Masses,



(Above: “Burger” by Ertan Aktas)

What I’m saying is, it’s not the burger that makes the person sit at home and not exercise, while continuing to eat… It’s the person. It’s always been the person. What I think Elle very-poorly tried to advocate for, was more exercise, while practicing moderation. Let’s be honest with ourselves for a second, exercise in a normal human’s routine, is absolutely necessary for a multitude of reasons that I’m not going to go in to (for more information of these reasons, click here). And one of the effects of exercise, wouldn’t you know it, is speeding up your metabolism while burning calories.

Who would’ve thought? So after you read this, I challenge you to do 10 push-ups, and see how many days in a row you can do it for. I promise, for your health, and your looks, you will be thankful.

That’s about all I have to say about that. So keep eating your burgers, enjoy what you love, and love what you eat; all-the-while keeping moderation in mind!

Signing off,


url(Above: “Tasty Burger” by Ellen Patton)

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