“The Double-edged Sword, to Cooking With Your Girlfriend.”


The double-edged sword, to cooking with your girlfriend (for a foodie like me).

I love cooking. Period.

I love cooking with my girlfriend even more. To me, there is no better option on a Friday, Saturday; Hell, any night, to spend the evening in my apartment with a cold brew and my two loves.

“Ok babe, I’ll butterfly the chicken breast and start the garlic bread — If you wanna go ahead and start dicing up and sautéing the vegetables.”

That perfect mixture of mind and belly, partner and partner, working as a single unit, to create a 3-course masterpiece.

“After you’re done wrapping the dates with bacon, can you turn the deep-fryer on for me hun?”

As we all know, food brings people together. We all need to eat, and we all want to eat well.

Is it more satisfying to say, “Oh yeah, I made that mac ‘n cheese from scratch”, than going to Trader Joe’s and buying a pre-made dish? Of course it is. You put your time, effort, and heart into choosing every ingredient to make your mac ‘n cheese, the very best it could be.

“Ok babe, let’s dig in!”

Now this is where it all goes to shit with a foodie like me… Why you ask?

Because it’s fucking food.

And I’m in love with it.

By the time I’m done enjoying my second, and third rounds, my stomach naturally starts to feel full. You know, a normal thing. However this dreadful feeling is supported by a laziness that is irreconcilable to even consider combating.

Now typically, this isn’t such a bad thing… You just had a great meal, you’ve eaten your fill, and now you’re getting a little dreary.

But ask yourself Jim, what does this mean for the remainder of the night?

You haven’t seen your girlfriend for 3, long, days… And you know what that means. But on the other hand, she just made you homemade lemon bars. The same homemade lemon bars you engulfed not 5 minutes ago. It wasn’t your fault you couldn’t help but eat the whole tray… Can you see the predicament yet? Do you blame it on her? If only she wouldn’t have made those bars… Then you realize…

No sex.

It’s at this point that I have finally admitted: I just chose food over sex. Instead of holding this beautiful creature, bodies intertwined; I have decided to eat myself to sleep.

When they say you can’t have two loves at the same time, they’re speaking the truth.

You don’t eat a bunch of deep-fried, beer-battered onion rings, a veggie burger, and a mocha coffee cheesecake right before you’re about to play a basketball game, do you?

I didn’t think so.

So you don’t make a marvelous meal, and then expect to be prepared for sex right after; No matter how much you think you want it, either.

It’s like cooking a dish and realizing it tastes like shit… So yeah, you made “food” I guess, but it was terrible. It’s the same with sex.

My suggestion is to keep this problem simple:

Make eating your sexual activity.

Who says I can’t dip that french fry seductively into my homemade garlic aioli and gently (or not, #teacherzone) place it in my girlfriends mouth?

Who says she can’t feel me up while I’m chopping those onions. It might not be safe to excite me whilst a knife is in my hand, but when I have a knife in my pants as well, does it really matter?

No, no it doesn’t.

Thus, my final advice is if you want to cook with your girlfriend, but also hope to have sex after, keep it short, simple, and remember portion control is your best homie.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: