“Yes, Your Burger Is Fat… And I Don’t Like It”

Today, we will be discussing a topic that may be sensitive to you, or someone in your household…

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Fat burgers. And yes, I’m burger-shaming right now.

You might be sitting in your little high chair saying, “Wah, wah, wah, what’s bad about more burger?!” Well Timmy, here’s what:

Let’s assume that the height Taylor Swifts’ mouth opens, is average. Now, if T. Swifts mouth only opens, 1.5 inches:


How is she supposed to eat this?


Timmy: “With a fork and knife!”

Me: “You’re going to hell. We must remember the burger is effectively a subdivision of, ‘Sandwich’; highlighting its accessibility and mobility, by being softly seated between two pieces of bread. If I can’t stand-up, hold it in two hands, and take a delicious bite, the thing in front of me doesn’t deserve to be called a burger. It’s just a bunch of meat, and a bunch of vegetables piled on top of each other. If you want that, put down the utensils, signal the server, and order a steak.”

Here’s the real deal people. The reason “THE BURGER” is so great, is because of its diverse, yet balanced ratio. Nonetheless, burger joints everywhere continue to tout their “KING” burger, that is so large, you have to take it apart to eat it (Saying that it doesn’t fall apart on its own). Therefore, you are unable to taste all ingredients in your mouth at the same time… Which is absolutely the worst possible thing that could happen, when trying to enjoy a burger.

It’s not only about the patty. It’s not just about the bun. It’s about how the burger combines EVERY SINGLE ONE of its flavors to produce an feeling of elation and arousal.

If you don’t understand that, then I don’t understand you.

Here are some quotes, from people I do understand:

“I don’t like burgers that can’t fit in my mouth in one bite, because what’s even the point? I eat with my mouth, not my eyes!” – Genevieve Davis

Genevieve Davis at The Counter, Irvine

“Everything falls out the m*****f*****’ back of the burger and falls on yo Gucci loafers mayne. You know dis doe.” – Brendan Patrick Paulin

Brendan Paulin at The Crow Bar, Corona Del Mar

“Sometimes, I order the burger medium rare and it’s not just pink in the middle… It’s cold. It’s too easy to undercook thick burgers.” – Hezekiah Bussey

Hezekiah Aaron Bussey at Yard House, Irvine

“Its like making a puzzle but you have to wait for the rest of the pieces to come in the mail. Sure you get the full experience eventually, but it’s interrupted.” – AJ Miller

“Fat burgers are dumb because I can’t fit both buns in my mouth” – Tristen Adamson

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